Giving Your Child Constructive Criticism

by: Anthony Kane MD


Our role as parents is to educate our children to behave properly in the world. To do this we must be able to point out and help them to correct their mistakes. This means that we must be able to give them constructive criticism.

First we need to stress that to give this criticism to our children is not an option, it is an obligation. We have a parental obligation to correct our children. It is neither in our children's best interests nor do we do them any favors if we do not guide them properly. When we see things that come up in their daily lives that they do wrong, we must correct this behave. How can we as parents redirect our children's behavior in such a way that it does not get in the way of the healthy parent child relationship?

How to Give Criticism Constructively

There are a number of things we should remember when redirecting our children that will make our criticism more accepted and more effective.

1- Children Have Feelings

This is probably the most important thing to remember when criticizing our children. It is obvious to everyone that children have feelings. Yet very often it is something that we as parents forget.

When our children are small, they are almost entirely in our control. It is easy to forget that they are little people. They have feelings that can be hurt and self-esteem that can be crushed if we criticize them in a non-constructive belittling way. We must try to relate to them as we would like others to relate to us.

2- Have Your Message Clear

The goal of proper criticism is to get your message across to your child. That means you have to have a message. If you don't have an idea you are trying to convey, then all you are doing by criticizing your child is venting your own anger and frustration. You will do nothing positive for your child, and your child will not change his behavior in the future. Remember, your goal with criticism is to educate, not to punish or embarrass or to seek revenge against the child. When you criticize you must have something you are trying to teach.

3- Deliver Your Message Properly

You must give rebuke. It is your obligation as a parent. The point is that it should be given in a positive manner. To do this you must satisfy a number of conditions.

a. Criticize the Behavior not Your Child

This is critical. Direct your criticism toward your child's behavior. It has to be clear to your child that it is the behavior that upsets you, not him.

b. Don't Label Your Child

Children get their sense of who they are from what others tell them. When a parent gives a child a label, this label will eventually stick, with disastrous consequences.

c. Give Your Rebuke Privately

It will be hard enough on your child to have to bear your criticism. You should do everything you can to spare him the embarrassment of having you rebuke him in front of others.

d. Don't Dwell Upon the Past

The only valid criticism is for the future. What the child did is over. You should acknowledge the mistake but make it clear that the reason you are speaking to your child is so that he can improve in the future.

4- Offer an Opportunity to Correct the Wrong

Your child has to know what he did was wrong. He should also be given the opportunity to redeem himself by correcting his mistake. You should have suggestions how the child can correct the wrong. This will give your child the message that he can't hurt others and just walk away. He must say he's sorry or do the victim a favor. It allows your child to be responsible for what he does. It also allows him to put the misdeed behind him and go on.

5- Deliver the Criticism with Love

This is vital. Criticism is a gift. It is a gift of knowledge, it is a gift of values. But it is an unwanted gift. Still, it is a gift nevertheless. No one wants to hear criticism. Our goal when we give criticism is to do it as painlessly as possible so it will be received properly.

You have to make it clear to your child when you deliver your message that you are doing this for the sake of your child. If your child knows that what you are saying is because you love him, the message will be better received.

If you are angry, all the child will hear is the anger. The message that comes through is, "You don't like me." Nothing else will be heard. You must make it clear to your child that you are criticizing because you care about him. You cannot let the message get blurred out by the static of your emotions.

This is not easy. It is easy to write about it and to read this when no one is around and things are calm. It is much harder to apply this idea when there is a tumult going on and the tensions are high. Still we have to acknowledge at least the proper way to do things. Or else we will never be successful.

6- Try to See Your Child's Point of View

We as parents are not faced with the same challenges as our children. This leads to a very reasonable response, at least in the mind of the child, to think, "Who are you to criticize me? How do you know what I am going through? You don't understand me."

This is a legitimate response. Your child doesn't see you as a former child. Your child sees you as a stable adult. Now, you may understand your child perfectly, but your child doesn't know that. It helps when you give criticism to visualize things from your child's perspective and couch your words is such a way that your child knows clearly you understand him.

7- Sometimes it is Better to Delay the Criticism

We have a knee jerk reaction to respond immediately when we see our children do something that we don't like. This is a normal reaction. However, you should always ask yoursef if this is the best time and place to rebuke your child.

When your child does something wrong he will be expecting the criticism right away. When the child is expecting the reaction, his guard is up he will react by defending himself and fighting back. He will not hear what you say and he will be defending himself.

Sometimes it is better to wait until things quiet down. Then you can discuss with the child rationally and the child will hear it. You will also be calmer and be able to deliver a better message to your child.

8- Sometimes no Criticism is the Best

The purpose of criticism is to correct future behavior. If it is clear to the child that he did something wrong and if the child feels bad about what was done and he is not likely to repeat it, there is nothing added by acknowledging his misdeed.

Conclusion

I want to point out that the principles that we have discussed apply when you need to rebuke anybody. The difference is that for anyone else we usually can choose whether or not to get involved. As a parent we do not have that option. We are automatically involved.

We have an obligation to correct our children's behavior. Our children need our guidance. It is a terrible example when parents let their children do what they want without direction. The children may act like they like the freedom, but these are the children who grow up not knowing right from wrong and not realizing that there are consequences for bad actions. Eventually these children feel that their parents really don't care about them. Often they are right.

It is hard to be a parent. But the more effort you put into steering your child on the proper path to adulthood, the more happiness you will have when you share in your child's successes through his life.

14 Table Manners Every Child Should Know

by: Elena Neitlich


Every parent wants to launch their children into the world with the skills they need to succeed. Equipping children with good table manners is an important lesson that all parents should want to give to their children. Using good table manners allows the focus to be placed on the conversation not on the act of eating. Having good table manners gives people the confidence to participate in any dining situation with ease.

Start introducing manners lessons slowly to very young children and add more refined lessons as the child matures. Consistency and repetition are very important when teaching children. Parents will have to reinforce the rules time and time again until good practices become habit. Remind children whenever a slip in manners occurs but don’t scold or nag.

Practicing good manners daily will eventually lead to mastery and manners will become second nature. As children develop fine motor skills, their use of utensils and glassware will improve. With constant repetition, by the early teen years, kids will have built up a comprehensive collection of manners which parents need only fine-tune for teens to be capable of attending the most formal of occasions.

For the well being of the children, even busy families should find the time to sit down together each evening for a meal. The most simple of meals, including take-out fare, are fine choices. Make sure that the food is transferred and/or served in serving dishes and that the family uses dinnerware. If dinner is impossible on certain evenings, families can sit down later in the evening for dessert; make sure to set the table and use dinnerware and utensils.

Teaching children the proper way to set the table is a perfect start for introducing the use of utensils, plates and glasses. Explain where each utensil is placed, what it is for, when it is used, and the correct way to hold it. Young children love being given a responsibility and will happily and proudly set the table each evening. Put placemats, napkins, silverware, plates, cups and bowls within reach of children to facilitate easy table setting. A good idea in homes with small children is to purchase nice quality melamine dishes so when plates drop they will not break.

Children do not learn proper table manners overnight. It takes years of repetition and consistent training to refine their skills. Parents have eighteen years to help shape their child’s table manners so there is plenty of time to patiently work with them. Expect lots of errors and missteps, use gentle guidance, never scold or embarrass, just kindly correct and continue eating.

If parents begin teaching manners when their children are toddlers, by the time the kids are in kindergarten they will have mastery of the basics.

The following is a list of table manners that your child should have a good grasp of by age six.

Wash their hands and face before sitting down to the table.

Sit down in their proper seat and put their napkin in their lap.

Wait to begin eating until everyone is seated and has been served. Many families wait until an adult gives permission to start eating.

Stay seated in their seats without wiggling in their chairs, going under the table, or getting up and down.

Say, “Excuse Me,” and ask permission to leave the table.

Elbows do not belong on the table.

Mouths should stay closed while chewing and pieces should be bite sized.

“May I please” and “Thank you” should be used when children would like food and never reach across the table.

Participate in the conversation during dinner and no interruptions when other people are talking.

Slurping, burping, squealing, singing, humming are all sounds that are not to be made at the table.

It is never kind or polite to make negative comments about what is being served for dinner.

Before getting up at the end of the meal say, “May I please be excused?”

Ask if adults would like them to clear their dinner plate.

Thank the cook.

Preparing children for adulthood starts the moment the baby is placed in the arms of the mother. Teaching children to use good table manners is a wonderful gift that will serve them well throughout their entire lives. Parents will be proud that their children are using the good manners that they have taught them, and more importantly children will be polished and refined and capable of being comfortable in any situation.